


This Machine Kills Fascists

by songs_for_sentences



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 2016 US Presidential Election, Betrayal, Crack, F/M, Gen, M/M, republican tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 03:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17358047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songs_for_sentences/pseuds/songs_for_sentences
Summary: "'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.'" Zechariah 7:9-10





	This Machine Kills Fascists

It was a lovely day at the Avengers Tower. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the sky was a cloudless blue. Everyone would have been happy, if it weren’t November 9, 2016. 

“Fuck,” said Bruce, hungover, staring at the smoking ruins of the TV which he’d just hulked out at. “Seriously, guys, what the fuck.”

“Well,” said Thor, “in Asgard if we had this little problem we just would have—”

“The NSA are listening and they will kill you,” said Tony. 

“Let them try. I am invincible and sexy and they do not stand a chance. Also I am Thor. A literal god. Killing me would be a PR nightmare,” said Thor. “Anyway, why did you call this meeting? Other than assembling so we can—” 

“I called this meeting,” Tony paused dramatically. “I called this meeting because one of our own has betrayed us; a betrayal of the worst sort. This morning,” he paused again, walking over to the coffee table where an object was covered with a cloth. “This morning, I found this behind the couch. Well, I say I found, it, it was really Roomby the roomba, he was freaking out and didn’t know what to do with it—”

“Please get to the point, Tony, it is so early and you are so loud,” Bruce muttered, looking vaguely ill. “God I’m so hungover,” he continued, mostly to himself. 

“Roomby came to me scared and crying. It’s important to recognize his emotions and needs so that he doesn’t become emotionally stunted and develop major inferiority issues and a lack of trust for others.”

“Like you,” said Natasha.

“Yes, exactly. You can see my concern,” Tony said.

Natasha sighed. “I still don’t see why you felt the need to install AI into every electronic in the tower.”

Tony looked offended. “What’s the point of being a ridiculously rich genius if I don’t get to do shit like install AI into every electronic in my house?”

“Get to the point,” said JARVIS.

Tony glared at the ceiling, but turned back to the coffee table. “Yes, the subject of today’s meeting is one of most vital importance. One of our own has been found to be fraternizing with the enemy.”

Steve shifted in his chair in the corner, looking up from his book that he appeared to be reading. Nobody noticed that it was upside down. He set down the book and the cold pizza he was eating, and frowned in concern. “Someone’s working with HYDRA?”

Tony sighed. “No, Cap, this is so much worse. Someone has been—well, I’ll just show you.”

Tony reached over, and with dramatic flare, whisked the cloth off of the table. The object was dragged off with it.

Everyone leaned closer to get a look at the object on the floor. It was small and red and innocuous. It looked, to all appearances, to be an upside down baseball cap.

“What is it?” Thor asked. “Is it some sort of deadly creature? It isn’t doing much.”

“Oh, god,” said Tony. “I don’t even want to touch it. This was perfectly planned. Where did I go wrong, JARVIS?”

“I believe your excessive flare for the dramatic caused you to yank the cloth too forcefully,” JARVIS replied helpfully.

“You know that question was rhetorical, you saucy boy.” Tony looked down and flinched. He was obviously suppressing the urge to vomit. Bruce was also suppressing that urge, although he was not paying much attention to the meeting. 

“Does anyone have a very long stick or something? Some tongs? A pooper scooper?” Tony asked.

“For god’s sake.” Natasha picked up the hat and flipped it over—and immediately paled. She stared at her own hand in horror. “Who would do this?”

Bruce glanced over at the object and gasped. “What the fuck is that doing here?”

“Bruce, have you been paying attention at all?” Tony asked, before actually looking at Bruce. “Nevermind, clearly not, please don’t throw up on my carpet.”

“Here’s the deal. Someone with access to this floor left this thing here. The only people with access to this floor are those currently present. And Pepper, but she refused to show up on the grounds that she had actual, important work to get done.”

“Seems suspicious,” Clint chimed in for the first time.

Tony glared at him. “Shut up Barton, Pepper is a well-known feminist. Also it’s rumored that she punched Donald Trump in the face in college.”

“Anyway, point is, this has to belong to someone in this room. Although now that I think about it, Fury could probably get in here if he really wanted to. Hey Nat, what do you know about Fury’s political beliefs?”

“He’s black.” 

“I think it was planted to encourage dissent amongst our team,” said Clint smugly. “Or maybe—Cap, you’re pretty nationalistic, aren’t you?”

Steve flung his pizza plate so hard it embedded itself in the wall. The resulting clatter had Bruce finally running for the bathroom. Tony made a note to get out some hulk-strength painkillers for him. 

“Alright, alright, everyone, settle down. Let’s think through this logically. Process of elimination,” said Tony. 

“We know it’s not Bruce,” Natasha said immediately. Everyone nodded in agreement. “I’m Russian, so I can’t vote—no I did not interfere in the election—and Thor is an alien, and I’m pretty sure Cap is still legally dead.”

Thor frowned. “How do we know this person voted? Maybe they just support that fuckface.”

Steve gasped, and everyone else looked up in surprise. 

“Wait, did Thor just say that? I’m not hallucinating? JARVIS, please save that footage,” Tony said.

Bruce limped back into the room, looking miserable but a little less nauseous. “Guys, calm down, let Thor say fuck if he wants. It’s not like we’re in a PG-13 movie or something.” 

“And it’s not like they’d actually let us discuss politics in a movie. Fuckers,” said Thor with conviction. 

“Wait wait wait,” said Tony, horrified realization dawning on his face. “Fuckface’s goal is to spread discord throughout the nation, right? If we look back at who started the accusations—no. No, we need hard, solid proof. We need to hack into government databases.”

“We do NOT,” said Steve as Natasha hummed in agreement. It was unclear if she was agreeing with Tony or with Steve. 

“Or we could see if any hair is in the hat, do DNA analysis,” said Bruce, then frowned. “But it’s probably too contaminated.”

“I bet Natasha picked up the hat on purpose so she’d have an excuse for her DNA to be on it,” Thor said.

Natasha glared at Thor, who smiled back sheepishly. “This is kind of fun, accusing people. It’s like one of those murder mysteries on a train or something.”

“Literally, because the new president is probably going to contribute to and support the murder of entire demographics of people,” Bruce added.

“This is not a game, Thor. You want to live in a house with a Republican?” said Natasha. “Exile. Now.”

Thor thought about that for a second, then snorted. “You can’t exile me, I’ve already been exiled. I wouldn’t even be here if I hadn’t been an exilee, you can’t double exile me.” He looked proud of his logic.

“Okey dokey, so we know it’s not Thor because he’d be too much of a dumbass to hide it,” said Clint. 

Bruce looked offended and ready to fight Clint on behalf of Thor’s honor. Thor gently held him in a loving but restraining embrace. 

“No, Thor, let me punch him. I really want to punch him,” Bruce put up a token protest against Thor’s muscular arms, before deciding he was actually very comfy where he was. Tony looked at him, mildly  
concerned about the hulk, but instead of green there was only a very faint blush.

“When we find him we’ll fight him together,” said Thor, clasping Bruce’s hand. 

“Or her,” Bruce added.

“No, I’m pretty sure it’s not actually Natasha,” Thor said, somewhat surprising the lesbian in question. “I think the answer has been right under our hammers all along.”

“Actually,” said Natasha, looking somewhat less likely to kill someone, “I’ve been… withholding vital information.” She took a deep breath. “Before I figured out I was gay I dated Clint, as you all know, and he told me something. Something I was not quite ready to believe. But I do now.”

Everyone turned to Clint, who looked mildly panicked but desperately trying to hide it. “Natasha, you pinky promised. You can’t tell everyone about my weird kinks now—”

“That’s not what I’m referring to, Clint, and you know it. Also, just for the record, he really is into some weird shit, but that’s a whole other cup of tea to spill.” She steeled herself. “Clint identifies as a Republican.”

There was dead silence. Then: “You what now?” said Tony.

“That was a long time ago. It was a phase! Hell, Natasha still thought she was straight. I don’t support Trump!” Clint looked very sweaty. 

Tony looked up from his phone. “You may say that, but your highly classified government files say differently. Also your Twitter feed. If you’re going to lie about not voting for Trump, you probably shouldn’t tweet about how he’s going to ‘make America great again.’ God, I feel sick.” He blew out a breath through his nose. “Now, if you were just a Republican—you wouldn’t be allowed to live in the Tower anymore, but there’s therapy for that. But this. This is unforgivable.”

Clint paled visibly. He said, voice shaking, “I made a mistake. I recognize that now. I know what I did was wrong—what the fuck is that?” He gestured towards the window. As everyone glanced outside, Clint ran for the elevator. 

The others realized his trick a second too late. They all jumped up and ran after him, but he had a split second head start. Clint reached the elevator and pressed the button. However, the elevator doors did not open, because the elevator had overheard everything. It beeped at him in displeasure, flashing Clint the middle finger emoji before making a show of shutting down its display screen. 

“Nice try, Mr. Barton, but you forget that every electronic in this tower is equipped with AI,” Despite his respectfully dry tone, JARVIS sounded rather smug.

“Avengers, assemble,” said Tony. “Except one.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s my line,” said Steve, but he seemed much more concerned with their target.

“It’s not the same anymore,” said Tony.

“Please, I have a wife and kids, you can’t do this!”

“Oh please, everyone knows that anything after Winter Soldier isn’t actually canon,” said Natasha. “Say your prayers, Clint.”

Clint started beating at the elevator doors. They all turned to him as one, murder in their eyes, and reached him in one violent synchronized movement. Their prey didn’t stand a chance. Clint looked up towards the heavens and gave in to Natasha’s command before everything went dark.

 

FIVE MONTHS LATER

 

Clint loaded one last case of water onto the aid truck. It was good but backbreaking work, and the sun beat down on him relentlessly. He sat down on a cactus to take a five-minute break. It reminded him of work on his farm, except this was benefiting refugees, a group of people that he had despised a mere five months ago. He sighed and looked up toward the sky. It was the first time in his life he had ever felt fulfilled, truly content with his lot in life, except for when Natasha used to peg him. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Good work, Clint,” said Steve from behind him, handing him a bottle of water. “Beautiful day out, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” said Clint, closing his eyes. A few clouds drifted over them and misted down a gentle rain. He relaxed; it seemed the heat was finally breaking. “What are you guys doing down here, anyway? I thought you’d  
be off doing superhero stuff.”

“This is superhero stuff, Clint,” said Steve. “Helping people who need it the most. Spreading hope in whichever little way we can.” Silhouetted against the light of the desert sun, he looked almost like he had a halo.

“That’s deep,” said Clint. “But really, why are you here?”

“You’ve finally learned a minimum basic of human decency. It’s time to go home.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” said Clint. “I think I’m actually happy here—” 

“Uh, actually, change of plans. Clint’s not coming home with us.” Tony walked over to the two men, hanging up his phone. 

“Clint, I don’t know if you’ve kept up with the news, but Stark Industries went bankrupt because Trump illegally seized all of my wealth to build his border wall. Anyway, point is, I have to pay the bills somehow.  
I’ve found someone very wealthy who is willing to buy you, so you’ll be going with him.”

Clint was confused. “You’re… selling me? What? I’m not your property.”

Tony looked at him condescendingly. “Yes and no. Technically you’re SHIELD’s property, but I’ve, uh, relieved them of your contract. You really should read things before you sign them, by the way. Anyway, here’s your new owner. He’s pretty famous, you’ll probably recognize him.”

Clint looked behind Tony, to where a helicopter just landed. A man climbed out of the helicopter and started walking towards them. As he got closer, Clint could make out windswept brown hair and a classic white button down shirt with jeans. Eventually, the man got close enough for Clint to make out his facial features, and Clint did a double-take. No, it couldn’t be. He glanced at Tony, convinced this was a trick, but Tony just nodded to him and stepped back. Now nothing was between Clint and his new owner. 

The man got within a few feet of Clint and then stopped, putting his hands in his pockets. “Ey. I’m Harray.”

“No,” whispered Clint. “No, no, no—”

“You’ve learned respect,” said Tony grimly. “Now it’s time to learn humility.” 

Clint was still screaming as they loaded him into the helicopter of Harry Styles.


End file.
